Worse Than This
by nikkiRA
Summary: Oneshot, Blackwater/ 'Had held her and kissed her and whispered promises in her ear that had flown away as soon as he saw Renesmee Cullen.'


**It's been a while since I wrote Blackwater, and, to be honest, this is pretty depressing. Sorry. Fluff later, depending on whether my muse decides to stop being a bitch.**

**Kinda AU in the sense that in this, Leah and Jacob actually kind of got together before he imprinted. **

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To be honest, he didn't really know what to say.

What was he _supposed _to say? What would be the appropriate thing to say at a time like this? There had to be a manual about this, somewhere. Somebody had to have been in the same position he was in and decided to write a book about it, to save the other poor fools who were shoved into this position.

If there wasn't, he would write one. _What to Say at Your Best Friend's Funeral. _Or maybe something like, _What to Say when the Girl who Loved You Killed Herself because You're an Asshole. _Or _What to Say when the Girl You Might Have Loved if You Weren't in Love with a Vampire Kills Herself. _

Definitely a bestseller.

He tried to think about what she would do if she were here. Probably laugh. Call them all idiots and liars for showing up at her funeral. _None of you liked me anyway, there's no reason for you to be here. _

He wished he could see her. She might provide some inspiration. No, who was he kidding. She probably _was _here, haunting them all, laughing her ass off and mocking him for the position he was in.

_Are you there, Leah? Can you hear me now? Are you having fun? I hope it was fucking worth it, Leah. I hope wherever you are right now has no werewolves and no imprinting and a shit load of cereal. It better be fucking worth it for you, Leah, because it sure as hell isn't worth it for us. _

He wished he could see her but the casket was closed. Not even a werewolf can survive from a bullet in the head.

Everyone was looking at him, waiting for him to speak. Sue was sobbing. Emily was sobbing. Seth just looked lost. Sam was staring at the sky. He had spoken before Jacob had- a speech about how kind, gentle, and caring Leah was. About how everyone loved her. About how everyone missed her. The whole thing was a lie. She would have been so pissed if she had have heard it. She would have been so pissed and she would have taken it out on Jacob and he would have listened. Why would he have listened? Why didn't he just leave, like anyone with common sense would have done?

Maybe if he had, she would still be alive. Hurt, even more bitter, but alive.

Sam may have turned her into a cynical harpy, but the fact of the matter was that Jacob had put that bullet in her head. Because Leah had let herself feel and he had taken advantage of that. She had let herself feel and he had allowed her to, had held her and kissed her and whispered promises in her ear that had flown away as soon as he saw Renesmee Cullen.

Sam imprinting had broken her. Jacob imprinting had killed her.

_Leah Clearwater was a beautiful girl with a personality to match. She always thought of others before her, and cared deeply about those around her. She loved her family. She loved her friends. She loved her home. Losing her is a tragedy that, for a lot of us, will never fade away. The pain of this loss will forever be with us. Rest in peace, Leah. We will miss you dearly. _

Jacob had wanted to laugh at Sam's speech. But he hadn't. Why hadn't he?

Leah would have. Why was he so worried about what other people would think? This was Leah's funeral. This was about Leah.

He owed it to her, anyway.

"Leah Clearwater was the strongest person I knew. She was also stubborn, sarcastic, annoying and, lets be honest, sometimes a bitch." He ignored the shocked faces of the crowd. "I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a time when I wanted to kill her. You're all lying if you say that. You know as well as I do that the way we treated Leah was unacceptable. And now we're paying for it.

"Leah was sarcastic, bitter, bitchy. She was cynical and infuriating. But she was also strong. She was the strongest person I knew. But a person can only be dropped so many times before they break. Leah finally reached her breaking point.

"I don't know where you are right now, Leah. I know you probably don't miss us at all. You probably miss your mom, and Seth. I'd like to think you miss me, but I know better. You're probably laughing at us all now. I don't blame you. You deserve to be able to laugh as us. You deserved a lot more.

"You don't deserve to be lying in that coffin right now. And I know that if I could, I would take your place. Because you, more then any other of us, knew what life was about. It was about loving. It was about living. It was about saying what you wanted, because time is limited. And it's about choice.

"I love you, Leah Clearwater. I don't know why, but I do." The next part, he spoke only to himself. "But I don't- can't- love you as much as her. I'm sorry, but I'm not strong enough for that.

"Maybe you're smarter then all of us, getting out of here before you became like us, too."

He finally looked up. Some people were glaring. Others were staring. Seth was smiling, albeit slightly. He didn't think Sue had even heard over her sobs. He looked at the sky.

"I hope you're happy wherever you are, Leah, because I sure as hell am not. I'd be angry at you if I didn't know I deserve every ounce of this pain."

He didn't wait for Seth's speech, though maybe he should have. Didn't wait to hug Sue, to hug Seth, to comfort those taking this the hardest. He wished he could say it was because he was avoiding whispers and glares, but he knew better.

He left because he needed to see Renesmee. He left because he needed his imprint. He left because even the death of his best friend wasn't enough to keep him away. He left because he was weak.

(He's not sure he blames her. A bullet in the head can't be worse than this.)

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**Those who read Defying Gravity know about my obsession with Leah and cereal. Which is where the cereal line comes from. R&R ;)**


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